


The things left unsaid

by CaptainDaddyBigTits



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Author is using this fic to vent her own sorrows, Break Up, Depressed Castiel, Depressed Dean Winchester, Depression, Diary/Journal, F/F, F/M, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, High School, Love, M/M, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, dub con, not between destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2018-10-03 02:28:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10233662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainDaddyBigTits/pseuds/CaptainDaddyBigTits
Summary: Castiel writes about his feelings towards Dean in his diary after they break up and they don't talk anymore. He regrets not saying a lot of things to Dean while they were best friends or still together. So he writes them down in his journal when Dean starts ignoring him.It's not like Dean will ever see his diary right?Rated M due to a character recalling a dub/non con situation that they were in





	1. Wishes

**February 22th 2017**

The lamp casts an orange glow across the dark room as Castiel hastily scribbles down his inner misery into the previously blank page now full of a desperately messy scrawl and tear strains.

_Dear Dean,_

_I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you all the things I should’ve said and done but never had the chance to. I wish we could sneak into the school and dance to “Like I’m gonna lose you” by Meghan Trainor and you can the whisper the lyrics in my ear as we dance in the gym. Just like you wanted to. I wish I had understood the depth of the lyrics while you were still mine._

_I wish I had fought hard to keep you. I wish I was selfless enough to let you go after you broke up. I wish I was bold enough to call you out when you kept repeating you were happy when I could see the hurt and longing as clear as crystal in your forest orbs. They reflected my despair too. I wish I could hold you and tell you I’m always there for you. I wish I was a stronger support for you to lean your head on and not have you worry about my well being instead._

_I wish I had understood your pain beforehand and spared you the time where you were miserably in love with me and you had to watch fall madly someone who called me a freak. I wish I could’ve loved you sooner and treated you like you deserved to be treated like a prince and beyond. I wish I could have been there when you needed me. I wish you could see you’re not hurting me and that you won’t bring me down with you. I wish we could have lasted forever like we planned to._

_But we could only wish for the things we could never look at now. No matter how hard our heart and soul need it, we don’t always get what we wish for._

_You came when I never knew I needed you Dean, and how you fell for me even when I knew I wasn’t the brightest person to fall for._

_Funny how the person to whom you ranted about your broken heart due to your “first” love to is now the person you want no need the most in your life._

He bit his lip and hesitates for a second then thinks ‘Fuck this it’s not like he’ll ever read this’ and scribbles down

_Love you always mon amour,_

_Your angel_

He finishes writing, feeling the tension and despair somewhat drain off him. Another tear drop falls on the page making the ink slightly blotch on the thin white page. He turns a few pages and looks at the beginning of the journal where Dean and him used to share notes during classes and is suddenly hit by another wave of strong longing and misery at the reminder of happier and simpler times. His eyes are puffy and red as he traces a trembling finger over Dean’s neat handwriting and feels his longing escalate. He lets out a sob and closes the diary and switches off the lamp.

He clutches the diary to his chest in a tight grip as he crawls on his bed. He pulls up the covers up till his neck, the diary hidden under the covers. Secure in his arms.

The hard cover of the diary is a solid comfort to his aching heart. Tears silently run down his cheeks and he clutches the diary closer and shuts his eyes and slowly drifts off into a disturbed sleep.

He wishes for the umpteenth that night, that the diary wasn’t the only thing with him that had a physical part of Dean, besides his memories. 


	2. Yearning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo guys I forgot to mention  
> Dean is 18, Cas is 17 (turning 18), Charlie is 17 (turning 18), Benny is 18 (turning 19)  
> They are all high school seniors.

The school hallways were overly crowded as always, as Castiel pushed his way through the crowd of rowdy sophomores with an eye roll.

He opened his locker and after a quick glance around that confirmed Dean wasn’t in sight, he pulls out a blue colored hard bounded diary with a bee front and swiftly chucks it inside his locker and grabs his books. He juggles his books on his one arm and shuts the locker door.

He turns around and sees Dean approaching from the other end. A smile lights up on his face at the sight of the green eyed boy.

He waves at him, “Hello Dean.”

Dean’s eyes flicker briefly to him as he comes closer but he walks past Castiel and it’s soon that the blue eyed boy hears his greeting. He spins around to see Dean chatting happily with Benny.

“Yo Benny long time no see pal.”, Dean says with a smile as he claps on his back

“Hey brother! Sorry been busy since my grandparents are in town.” Benny replies with a smile.

Castiel stood frozen his hand still in midair  as he was processing the reality that Dean purposefully ignored him.

‘Maybe he didn’t see me...’ he thought and plastered on a smile and walked towards them, “Hey Benny, hello Dean.”

Dean didn’t even glance at him and instead pulled his phone out and started typing, while Benny turned to him with a smile in return, “Hiya Cass how’s everything?”

Castiel’s gaze flickered between a nonchalant looking Dean and Benny and he widened his fake smile and said with a faux cheerfulness, “It’s good....it’s all great actually, never been better.”, he said the last part staring at Dean who was still typing on his phone completely faking his obliviousness.

It hurt. It hurt so friggin much that his heart was starting to actually physically hurt. He backed away as Benny nodded and said weakly, “I...um have to catch up with some homework.” He lied. He didn’t have any homework but they didn’t need to know that.

“I’ll catch you later?”, he said looking hopefully at Dean who still kept looking at his phone like it was his world. It probably was more important compared to Castiel anyway at that moment it seemed.

Benny caught his drift and looked between Dean and Castiel awkwardly.

The blue eyed boy too stood there wanting to see Dean’s reaction.

The green eyed boy did look up but he smiled at Benny totally ignoring Castiel’s presence and said, “You remember about the game on Friday? Apparently coach wants to talk to us before school.”

And with that without even a single glance at Castiel he marches away followed by Benny who gives the blue eyed boy a sympathetic glance and mouths ‘Sorry’

Castiel shakes his head and offers a weak smile and yells, “Have fun you two!” and turns his back and walks to his first class resisting the urge to bang his head on a pillar and bleed out until Dean actually sees him, or hide in the toilet and cry the whole day.

Instead he clutches the books tighter to his chest and digs his phone out to text Charlie

 **Cass:**   Roses aren’t red, violets aren’t blue it’s all a mess

His phone chirps signalling a reply from Charlie

 **Charlie:** Oh Cassie :( he can’t do this... meet me at ur locker after math

 **Cass** : Will do Char :(

************************

The school ends after a five long miserable hours. He reaches home and pulls out his diary and throws his bag under his study table. He keeps the diary on the table and moves downstairs to grab a can of soda. His parents are still working so he had no fear of anyone walking in on him writing in his diary There were perks of being the only kid and having working parents.

He sprints up the stairs and drinks from the soda can. He grabs the diary and his favorite pen and flops on the bed and writes down his inner turmoil on the blank page after hurriedly scribbling the day's date.

**_February 24th 2017_ **

_Dear Dean,_

_Do you hate me or something now? Why are you ignoring me Dean? Have I done something? Did I hurt you? I'm so so sorry I never meant to hurt you in any way. I just wish you'd tell me why you're ignoring me._

  _Life feels so lonely and empty without your presence in it. I miss falling asleep talking to you and waking up to your messages. I miss my best friend Dean above all else. I know we couldn't_

Tears sting his eyes as he readjusts the grip on the pen and writes further

_get back together as in together as boyfriends. You are the love of my life Dean, my soulmate, you always will be. There will be no one else. How could you ask me to move on when you wouldn't do the same? How could you ask me to let go of you and talk about my feelings when you wouldn't give yourself the same chance?_

_There's no one and nothing in this world that matters to me Dean except for you. Truth is, I could never stop loving you, ever. But that doesn't means I would give up being your friend too. Your friendship to me is what matters the most. I can't lose you...I-I can't._

_Your absence in my life stings Dean. There's just dark void and an endless loop of suffering without your light to make it better. I know I'm being selfish by counting my miseries and yearning for you to make me feel better, when you are hurting too. Your eyes say the things that you never let on. You've always been so stubborn like that. I just wish you'd see that you deserve to be saved too._

_I miss having my best friend. I miss all your silly puns and jokes. Come to think of it, I haven't seen you laugh or smile radiantly since we broke up. Why Dean? Why are you suffering and not letting others help you? I miss hanging out with you._

_I always find myself checking my kik and instagram notifications frequently for messages that won't be there. I often find myself longing to text you during weekends just like we used to. Guess the old habits and old feelings are hard to die huh?_

_I miss you Dean. Please come back, please._

_Yours always,_

_Castiel_

He wipes his tears and closes his diary. He rests his cheek against the cool surface of the diary and closes his eyes as his body gives out. 

He just wants the darkness to claim him and make the pain go away. He just wants to sleep forever and never wake up.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hands you all chocolates* More angst incomiiing.  
> Omc thank you guys for reading and all those who left kudos and commented! Love y'all <3


	3. Alone

**_March 7th 2017_ **

_Dear Dean,_

_You were the sunshine in my dark days. You always helped me find my way when I was lost. I never felt alone when I was with you, you were more than just my protective shield. You were my love, my sunshine and my guardian angel and so much more._

_The scariest part is, that all the things we did and enjoyed together are now memories. They could never be relived again. I am so afraid that the only thing that ties me to you now : the memories, what if one day they fade away too? What if...._

A tear falls on the paper as Castiel writes

_..you forget me too? It’s stupid I know and I’m over thinking too but there’s this deep longing and ache in my heart that won’t go away. I’m scared Dean. I-I don’t even know what’s happening anymore.... I-I just don’t_

He wipes his eyes with one hand and exhales shakily and continues in a shaky grip

_I don’t know who am I anymore Dean. It’s just sometimes i feel too much and....other times I’m just blank...like as if I’m a machine running on burning gasoline, leaving destruction in my wake. I am so snappish towards everything and everyone and half the time I think it’s better if I keep my mouth shut than hurt anyone with my words._

_And....I feel so empty. Like there’s nothing to live for anymore. I know it sounds so cheesy, cliché and unreal, but I did find my purpose and that was with you. You were my raison dêtra. Without you, I’m spiralling into a deep dark monstrous pit, without your light to save me. I am an empty shell of who I used to be. I’m so tired Dean. I’m tired of hiding my emotions, of being the strong one even when I just want to curl up and die and never come back. I am tired of being me. Is this how you always felt along too?_

_Hahaha see what I was talking about? I’ve become so friggin’ selfish that I spend my free time writing down my miseries and counting my sorrows when I could be doing something to fix our relationship or simply try and help you. Forgive me Dean, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’m not the guardian angel who protected you anymore._

_Yours always,_

_Castiel_

He closes the diary and slumps tiredly against his chair, his pen still clutched in his right hand. He looks at the clock that read 2:39 a.m. in bright red letters.

He looks down at the pen still uncapped and clutched in his hand. The smear of blue ink on the tip of the pen catches his eyes and he idly wonders if the pen feels useless and worthless as the ink inside it’s refill gets used up.

He shakes his head and caps the pen and chucks it against his pile of unfinished homework, seemingly uncaring. He switches off the lamp and sits in the darkness as sobs wreck his body and he curls up on the chair, his body halfway resting on the table as a restless sleep claims him.

 

******

The next morning witnesses Castiel running like an endangered person across the crowded school hallway trying to reach his first period Math class within time. The warning bell rings like a croaking seagull above him as he enters the class in a blur of beige trench coat and loaded books. He drops his books down on the table with a loud thud, still panting from his impromptu morning rush. His desk vibrates from the sudden onslaught of 4 heavy books and the girl in front of him glares before turning at the front again. 

He ignores her and sits down just as the teacher walks in and starts the attendance. He pulls out his phone and bit his lip as apprehension clouds his guts. He types out a message and his thumb hovers shakily above the ‘send’ button.  

He looks at the sender’s name, the one sided message threads left on read, and then decides to text the person anyway. It’s now or never.

He hits send and quickly shoves his phone into his jean pocket as the teacher calls out his name.

His cell phone vibrates. Castiel takes a deep breath both excited and apprehension filling him as he unlocks the phone and almost drops it when he sees who texted him.

 **Cass :** Hello

 **Dean :** Can you promise me something Cas?

And wow if that sentence ain’t the thing that got them into this jumbled mess in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked it! Sorry if it doesn't make sense or anything I am am majorly sleep deprived and deep in finals. *hands out chocolates* Umm....more angst to come?


	4. Promises pt 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo this chapter was long so i had to split it into 3 parts so it was...easier to process given the angst XD

Cas stared numbly at the phone screen as déjà vu started and ugly memories started to trap him in it’s dark jaws. He locked the screen and slowly shoved the phone back in his jean pocket.

He would deal with this after math was over. Given his current mental status of a melancholy black cloud and days gone without much sleep, he didn’t trust himself to do anything Dean related. Nope. He felt like a ticking bomb ready to self-destruct whenever he found himself trapped these days when it came to Dean related things.

He tried to focus in the class but the numbers on the board only served to make him count the number of days since Dean broke up with him.

***************

The math period went by in a blur as Castiel walked out into the bleachers , the stupid plastic device seemed to be burning in his pocket. His art teacher had cancelled the classes for this week so he had his second period free.

He sat down and put down his homework on the bench. He took a deep breath and pulls his phone out. He unlocks it with trembling fingers and taps on the messenger icon.

Dean’s message stares mockingly at him, and he slowly types a reply trying not to say anything that he’s not supposed to say to him.

 **Cass:** What are you gonna do??!

He read it again and hit send and started to zone out in thoughts as he stared at his reflection on the black phone screen. He bit his lip as a gush of cool wind gently washed him. He hadn’t seen Dean today. The green eyed boy was either early to school and even when he was late, he was always with Benny or Jo in the hallways or near the Autoshop classes. He was probably absent.

He picks up his English assignment and starts to work on it half-heartedly as his phone chirps with a message. His heart is hammering in his chest as the ugly feeling of being rejected back then curls unpleasantly in his chest. He honestly wants to throw up.

 **Dean:** I’m not going to do anything. I just need you to promise me that you’ll watch out for Sammy.

Relief closes in on Castiel as he replies

 **Cass :** Of course I will. Are you okay Dean?

**Dean is typing.........**

He bit his lip again. Something didn’t sound right by the way Dean texted. Sure, it was usual of him to ask someone to look out for Sam whenever he was absent, but he seemed off...kind of like he was lost deeply somewhere. It just didn’t feel right.

The messenger app beeps and Castiel looks down at Dean’s reply. His assumption is confirmed.

 **Dean:** Thanks. I...just need to be alone rn... and I’m so sick with the flu so I’m just gonna sleep

Concern flares in Castiel’s gut and he has to physically restrain himself from sounding like an over-concerned boyfriend as he replies. Not that he’ll ever be a boyfriend to Dean again anyway. It was clear the blonde boy didn’t want him anyway.

 **Cass:** Alrighty :) I’m here if you need anything, take care

He saw Dean start typing but then the blonde stopped and left him on read. Typical these days. Why is he even surprised anymore? He shakes his head and puts the phone back in his pocket.

He looks down at his almost finished English assignment. Only two questions are left to do, so he quickly scribbles down the answers and carefully places the pile of papers on the small stack of books next to him. He quickly glances around and sees no one at the football field near him. Good. Charlie and others are probably in their classes so he was this hour to kill alone.

He didn’t mind being alone these days. He pulls out his carefully hidden diary and flips over the few pages he’s filled and stares at the blank page waiting to be filled.

He pulls his knees up and balances the diary on his thighs and starts writing

**_March 8 th 2017_ **

_Dear Dean,_

_It’s strange how we used to be so close, and how you we used to be the first person I told about what’s happening in my life. I still remember you texting me whenever you were simply bored and we used to sit there and talk about everything and nothing._

_You promised me that you’ll never let go, that you’ll stay. When we were dating, you used to be afraid that one day I’ll wake up and realise what “trash” you were and leave you. I’d die Dean than hurt you or leave you. But did you not understand that I had the same fear too? That I was afraid that you’d leave me for good? Ironically, you bestowed your worst nightmare on me._

_You have no idea how much I broke down that morning when you told me you told me that we can’t be together. How could you take away my choice? How could you not know that I was so deeply afraid that it would happen?_

He felt numb this time. He did not cry and neither there was a deep pain within him. He felt...empty and lifeless as he wrote

  _I love you with every fibre in me Dean. I never stopped loving you, never will. A part of me is glad that you let go of me because you deserve so much better than a loser and a trash like me. I’m happy for you. But...a larger part it’s broken Dean. It feels like my soul was ripped out from me when you ended things. I feel so miserable, lost and lonely, you’ve no idea._

 _I_ _t’s like something is missing, and I’m trapped in this cage that only you can rescue me from. I’m afraid of getting attached to people now. Everybody will leave. And now thanks to you, I’ve learnt not to show anyone your true feeling or how vulnerable and broken you are. And most importantly, to not be depended upon anyone else._

_I have no intention to be harsh to you when I say these all. I just......want to say I’m getting stronger at the cost of developing trust issues, and becoming an emotionless robot. I do not blame you for anything...it’s just how I am these days. I’m changing into a bitter, sarcastic and detached person that I wasn’t before. What is happening to me?_

_Yours truly,_

_The Grinch 2.0_

 

He sighs and closes his diary and leans against the cold wall. The cool wind swipes over him and tickles his already unruly dark hair. The leaves crunch softly on the ground as they are rattled by the wind. The smell of wet grass is thick in the air.

Castiel sighs and looks up into the sky. He notices for the first time that day that the sky was surrounded by grey clouds and there was no sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloo again and I want to thank you all for all the comments, hits, bookmarks, kudos and subscribes. *squueee* y'all lovelies make my day. Aaaand we're gonna know (lol I meant you all) will know about what exactly happened with Dean and Cass in about 2 chapters. 
> 
> I'm sorry I wouldn't be able to update much due to finals, but I'll try to update at least twice a week.
> 
> Peace out


	5. Promises Part 2

The lunch bell rings and there’s a rush of students in the narrow school hallway as students pile out of their classes.  Castiel being quite scrawny gets pushed among the sea of students and clutches his books tightly to his chest as he makes his way to his locker.

He lets out a relieved sigh as he escapes the crowded hallway and slips to where the lockers are located. He makes a quick work of throwing his books in and grabs his lunch box.

Instead of going to their usual spot, he makes a bee line for the cafeteria and settles down on a fortunately empty table in the corner of room, near the large window showing the garden. He’s not really a fan of staying indoors for lunch, the sunless weather outside was his favorite, but he was here because he had a job to do.

A promise to keep.

He was here only to look out for Sam. He scans around the room and it isn’t hard to spot a tall and awkward kid with fluffy brown hair. Ah there was Sam, sitting with Jess, Brady, Kevin and Sarah and the view from where he is sitting is perfect. Sam wouldn’t be able to see him all the way back amongst the sea of students in between.

He plants his feet on the opposite bench and texts Charlie about their change of location. She usually hits the bathroom before eating lunch so he knows there’s a few minutes before she comes. He continues to idly scroll through the message thread with Dean but when he reaches their post-break up texts, he drops his phone on the wooden table with a semi loud clang and looks out of the window.

He’s starts to doze off while watching the birds make a nest on the tree when Charlie plops across him on the bench.

“ So what’s with the sudden change in the location sleeping beauty? Normally you’re busy ranting that eating indoors is for the old people.”, she inquires, he turns to see her looking slightly worried gripping her Tupperware container.

And she has every reason to be worried about Castiel’s increasingly strange habits these days.

Castiel smirks and lets out a mock gasp of surprise, “Oh my god you built the Taj Mahal in five minutes!”

“Hey I don’t take that long!”, she squeals and punches him lightly on the arm. Castiel and Charlie grin at each other as the tension drains out and they both relax. God, she’s his shining light of happiness. He doesn’t know what he’d do without her.

He picks up his phone and opens the message thread and chucks it to Charlie across the table. She looks down at it and scrolls upwards and then she looks around the cafeteria and her eyes stop on Sam’s table.

She snaps back to look at Castiel with a look of understanding.

“ _Oh_.” She says

Castiel nods, “Yeah _Oh_.”

She bit her lip and gave Castiel his phone back. Her eyes flick to the back of Sam’s head and then to his blue orbs, silently asking him a question.

Castiel shakes his head, “No Char, I’m not going to talk to him...right now at least. I don’t know how things are to be honest....and I’m not dragging him into this mess. I promised Dean I will protect him if any harm should come. That’s about it.”

“For now.” Charlie finishes giving him a meaningful look.

Castiel nods in agreement and then furrows his brows in confusion when he sees a scowl replace his best friend’s calm look.

He has an idea about what or more precisely _who_ is the reason behind that look. He groans, “No not again. This is the reason why I avoid his godawful place.”

“I know.”, Charlie replies flatly with a dark look still glaring at someone.

Castiel rolls his eyes and grips the edge of the table, “He’s right behind me, isn’t he?”

“Weeell yep but more like diagonally to your right. And he’s staring hard.”, she says in a low voice and narrows her eyes.

Castiel whirls in the said direction and sees Michael break the stare and bodily turn towards Raphael as the latter teen continued to rant about something with animated interest.

He stares at them for a few seconds and turns to face Charlie and groans, “Why can’t I just catch a friggin’ break?”

Charlie purses her lips and still warily stares at Michael’s group, “He’s been ogling you more than usual ever since Dean and you broke up.”

Castiel runs a hand through his already messy hair and his tone is dripping with sarcasm, “I might as well put a neon sign on my forehead that says ‘Single but PROPERTY OF DEAN WINCHESTER.’ "

Charlie bursts out laughing, “Hell yes Cassie! Let’s do this.”

Castiel laughs too and pulls off the lid of his lunch box to show Charlie four grilled cheese sandwiches with potato stuffing neatly wrapped in a foil.

He hears Charlie screech with delight and she too hurriedly does the same and it’s Castiel’s time to wear a face splitting grin at the sight of noodles.

They both look at each other in glee and Castiel gives 3 of his sandwiches to the redhead who gives him more than half of her spaghetti. With that, they happily munch their favorite foods and chat away.

Lunch time with Charlie was the best every day.

***********

Unbelievable. Another class cancelled.

Castiel has a scowl fixed on his face as he breezes past the students chatting on the desks ignoring Michael’s gaze tracking his every moment.

As soon as the crisp outside air hits him, he allows himself to relax. He pulls up his hood and shoves his hands in his pockets and just walks aimlessly as thoughts cloud his mind.

He hears a very familiar voice on the other end of the hallway and sprints to hide behind the pillar as the owner of the voice and their friend round the corner

“The chapter today was quite easy.”, said the voice.

“I still don’t get the Swart’s reaction. Like why do we need to displace Chlorine with fluorine again?”, complains Jess

Sam chuckles as they walk past Castiel’s hiding place, “ It’s because sometimes you can’t use Chlorine for the reaction to take place. So you use other halogen compounds. I’ll explain it to you at my house if you want to come over. I’m free after this lab period ends.”

Castiel’s heart races as they walk past him. He kept his promise to Dean. Sam was safe and apparently he’d go home after this. His job was done. He sees them walk away towards the science labs and then he makes a sprint in the opposite direction.

He pants lightly as he reaches a grassy lawn with a big tree. His damp hair feels cool as the wind blows over him.

He had reached Dean and his spot.

He approaches the tree and feels his legs give out on their own and he slides down the tree’s thick bark. He pulls his knees to his chest and hugs them. He rests his head on his arms and closes his eyes. His mind drifts off to a memory.

**< << FLASHBACK >>>**

The street lamps are switched off by the time dawn breaks out in the sky. The wind softly blows over the grasses and there’s dew drops on the leaves.

Everything is perfect and calm.

Castiel shivers as his sweatpants clad leg touches the cool surface of the park bench where he’s lying on. He shuffles closer to the body heat next to him and the arms wrapped around him tighten and pull him so that he’s half lying on the bench and half on the other person’s body.

“Better?”, Dean asks him and pulls him closer.

Castiel sleepily nods listening to the blonde boy’s heartbeat under his shirt, “Much. You’re so warm.”, he mumbles against Dean’s jacket.

“You’re so perfect, so cute and adorable like the best thing I never knew I needed all my life.”, Dean said quietly into his hair.

He smiles as feelings of love erupt in his chest, he looks into Dean’s green eyes and could see the naked love in his eyes.

“I never knew I needed you, until you posted that story online and then you made me feel like I’m worth something every time you talked to me.”, Castiel says in a soft voice.

The green eyed boy pulls him more closer and kisses his forehead and stares deeply into his eyes and whispers, “I love you Cas. You always were and will be worth everything. You deserve the sun and everlasting happiness and much more than what I can give you.”

Castiel cups his face and Dean leans into the touch and closes his eyes. The blue eyed boy kisses his eyelids and whispers, “I want you give you everything Dean. You’re my everything, I’m nothing without you. I love you so much and there’s no one I’d rather be with.”

One of Dean’s hand sneaks up to his dark locks and he begins to play with his hair. He sighs contentedly and closes his eyes.

He feels wet lips kiss his cheek and warm puffs on breath on his lips as Dean says, “You’re so beautiful, so perfect and gorgeous, that you’re way out of my league. I wanna protect you forever, and I love you so much...I just do.”

Castiel kisses Dean’s neck and whispers too overwhelmed to form coherent words at Dean’s last statement, “I love you too Dean.”

He opens his eyes and sapphire meets emerald orbs in a calm swirl of love and pure happiness. He couldn’t resist leaning in and pecking Dean’s chapped lips.

The blonde’s eyes go wide and they’re both blushing when Castiel pulls away.

It was their first kiss.

He stares at Dean who looks just as shocked and is blushing hard. It was hard to see the red cheeks in the dark, but judging by Castiel’s sudden shyness and Dean’s blown eyes it was evident they’re blushing.

“I-I....couldn’t resist it.”, he stutters.

Dean pulls him closer and cups his cheek and leans down to swallow his lips in a gentle but passionate kiss. They pull away and rest their foreheads against each other.

Both their eyes shine with love and Castiel teases, “Can’t sleep much these days?”

Dean raises an eyebrow at him and licks a stripe along his exposed neck, causing Castiel to gasp and squirm in his arms.

“You want to sleep after that?”, Dean says huskily and starts kissing his shoulder. Castiel bit his lip and tangles his fingers in the other boy’s short blonde spikes.

“N-no I don’t sleep, but don’t you need to catch your sleep? You and I uh sneaked....”, Dean giggles at that lightly bites on the flesh on his shoulder causing him to shudder and gasp and he breathlessly continues, “...into this park around 4 am how are you not sleepy?”

Dean had texted him at 4 am to meet up in the park. They had to sneak out of their houses and now had to get back before either boy’s parents woke up.

They haven’t disclosed their relationships due to both having homophobic families. But they hadn’t exactly kept it a secret either that they were together. Their friends knew about it. They decided to keep things under the radar until they went to college.

Dean trails his lips up his jawline and kisses him with passion and pours his love into the kiss. Castiel responds eagerly and wraps his arms around his waist. He pushes Dean a bit, so that the blonde boy is trapped between the backrest of the bench and Castiel.

They break the kiss for much needed air and even in the dawn Castiel can see Dean’s pearly teeth as he grins through his kiss swollen lips, “ I don’t need sleep when I have you. You’re my everything my angel.”

Castiel’s heart flutters at the possessive note, he kisses Dean’s cheek and grins up at him, “I’m only yours my sunshine.”

**< <<END OF FLASHBACK>>>**

He doesn’t realise tears are flowing through his cheeks as the final bell rings signalling the end of school. He stands up and wipes his tears roughly ignoring the lingering feeling of euphoria turned sour from the memory. He can’t let his guard down here in school. He has to find Charlie.

With determined strides he pulls up his hood and keeps his head down as he walks through the crowd of students excited to be let out of school.

A hand wraps around his sleeve and turns him around. He comes around to face a very serious looking Jo.

“Hey Jo long time no see.”, He tries to smile hoping his voice didn’t break and tears don’t leak out of his eyes.

Jo glares at him and grabs his sleeve and drags him into an empty classroom and shuts the door.

She turns around and narrows her eyes at him and snaps, “Don’t you ‘Jo’ me Novak! I had been gone for a two months and it’s been two months since I’m back and _now_ I’m coming to know that Dean and you broke up _five months ago_.”

Castiel sighs and runs a hand through his already messy hair. He asks already dreading this conversation “Dean didn’t tell you?”

Jo snorted and folded her arms across her chest, “He doesn’t tell anyone anything these days. I wonder what’s up with him.”

Castiel stares at her incredulously. It was true that he and Dean had agreed to not bring up the break up unless the topic of their relationship is initiated. But he's still surprised that Dean let a close friend to him like Jo be under the pretense that they're dating. And Dean doesn’t talk to them? He thought he was the one being ignored...

He looks to see Jo’s fuming face and realises he has to ask his queries later.

But he still can get out....

“I have texted Charlie that you’re gonna be busy with me, so don’t bother with that excuse.”, her sharp voice cuts through his musings.

His eyes widen and he mentally curses _that traitor_ and she didn’t even warn him. He sighs dejectedly and sits tiredly on a chair and stares at Jo glaring at him from where she’s leaning against the door.

He rubs his temple and closes his eyes, and tiredly asks “Where do you want me to start?”

“The beginning would be nice.”, Jo snarks back.

He cracks open a blue eye and stares at her, “In that case you might wanna sit down.”

“And get a bag of popcorn coz this is gonna be dramatic and long.”, he continues flatly without humour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo this was pretty long. You'll find out what actually happened to Dean and Cas in the coming chapter. I had this almost written down and the next one is halfway done. Thank you for all the lovely comments and kudos and bookmarks. I love y'all <3


	6. Broken

Jo rolls her eyes but settles on the teacher’s desk and looks Castiel in the eye. The blue eyed boy breaks the eye contact and bows his head and closes his eyes.

He says in a low voice, “You remember that day when I texted you to ask if Dean called?”

Jo nods and Castiel continues further without looking up, “I was so scared and worried so I blew up his phone. He at least talked to me once or twice even if he was busy, something kept clawing at me, I knew he wasn’t okay. It was confirmed when...”

He takes a shuddering breath and continues, “h-he told me that he wasn’t good and when I told him that I won’t go away because it hurts me when he’s hurt... he began to tell me to blame him if I hurt.”

He hears Jo’s soft gasp. His chest feels clogged up with emotions and his hands were shaking he clasped them tightly in his lap.

“Of course I got even more worried and terrified but Dean won’t even let me come to his house and...it was midnight anyway. He said he needed some time, I knew something wasn’t okay, but I couldn’t breach his personal space either.”

The overwhelming sense of hurt and pain was crawling back inside him, and he didn’t even reach the hardest part yet.

_‘Get a fucking grip Castiel.’_

He scolded himself mentally and curled in on himself and is surprised when his voice is calmer than he feels, “In short, on the hindsight I should have confronted him when I saw his profile picture on instagram go pitch black and the ‘taken’ thing was removed from his bio the next morning.”

He laughs bitterly and a hand lightly grips his shoulder. He looks up to see Jo looking down at him with concerned eyes. He gives her a weak smile and she sits down on the chair next to him.

She doesn’t comfort him by saying non-senses or says anything at all, he’s grateful to her for that. The silence is comforting and it gives him the strength to recite the worst day of his entire life.

“He called me to our spot at the park the early morning that day. I was kind of relieved when he texted me and said he wanted to meet up.”

Had he known what would entail, he would have fought Dean harder for _them_.

“I got there and....”

 

**< <<FLASHBACK>>>**

The morning sunlight fell on the buildings lighting up them in a faint golden glow. The grass felt cool under the thin material of sneakers as he raced towards Dean who stood with his back to him. 

“DEAN!!”, he screeched excitedly and tackled his boyfriend in hug from behind. “I missed you so much.”, he whispers into the blonde’s denim clad shoulder inhaling the comforting scent of his cologne and motor oil.

Just as he allows himself to relax he realises that Dean hasn’t said a word and has gone completely stiff in his arms. He frowns in confusion and loosens his grip, “Dean?”

This seems to startle his boyfriend and he turns back in his arms but his face is a strange mixture of sadness and guilt and his green eyes were glassy as if they concealed a plethora of emotions behind a dam.

“Hey.”, he says softly looking into his eyes with that expression again. He shuffles awkwardly in his arms and makes no move to hug him back. Castiel understood his hesitation albeit confused and a little hurt himself but he retracts his arms and lets them fall to his sides.

“What’s going on?”, he asks quietly and that ugly deep insecurity curls up in his stomach and he tries to calm down his thundering heart.

 Dean stares deeply into his eyes with the look of a person who’s looking at something they cherish the most but are never going to see it again.

It’s starting to scare Castiel.

“You’d never hurt yourself right?”, Dean’s rich voice cuts off but it’s low and hoarse.

Castiel tilts his head in confusion he’d ran there as soon as he woke up and got Dean’s text so he was still in his sleep deprived state. When the sentence dawns on him worry grips him tight.

He lungs forward and grips and frantically scans him from head to toe itching to get Dean to roll up the sleeves of his jacket so he could see if there are any cuts. Dean never was the one to self-harm but these days have been-

“You wouldn’t do it, right?”, Dean repeats looking at him imploringly with a hint of desperation.

“What have you done?”, Castiel hissed in worry as he sees Dean take a step away from him and look down and tries to ignore how his heart breaks at seeing Dean move away from him.

“This isn’t about me. I’m talking about you.”, he says the last part looking at Castiel with a determined gaze that makes the blue eyed boy stare at him in churning fear and worry.

Their eyes meet and albeit Castiel is entranced by the depth of his clear red rimmed green pools, Dean must see something in his gaze so he immediately looks away and clears his throat.

“What’s going on Dean?”, Castiel asks softly and at Dean’s terse look he continues,”Talk to me please, you’re worrying—“

“You wouldn’t ever self-harm right? No matter how hard things become?”, Dean cuts him off with an irritated shout and Castiel shuts up immediately and looks at him startled.

“I-I won’t.”, he replies softly figuring that this is the only way he’ll ever get Dean to open up.

“Promise me Cas that you won’t hurt yourself, no matter how bad it gets. Ever.”, Dean says hoarsely looking at him pleadingly.

**< <FLASHBACK ENDS>>**

 

“If I was well versed in social cues, I would’ve known it didn’t have anything to do with Dean being afraid that I had hurt myself while he was shutting me of. It was to prepare me for what he was about to do.”, Castiel says his head hanging down, eyes shut tightly.

Jo is staring at him with wide eyes filled with unshed tears and says softly, “He was trying to make sure you wouldn’t.... after he.....”

Her companion gives a shaky nod as a confirmation.

 

**< <FLASHBACK CONTINUES>>**

“I promise. But you too promise me the same.”, he replies looking at Dean who now breaks the stare and looks at the grass like its sacred.

“I’m...I’m about to do something, and this is gonna....not only gonna hurt me but someone else too. Please don’t fight me...it’ll make things harder.”. his voice cracks at the last sentence.

Castiel studies Dean carefully feeling his heart thump in apprehension and heavy emotions pool in his stomach.

“Dean...what is it?”, he asks softly and somehow he already dreads the answer.

“It’ll not only hurt me Cas. It’ll hurt this person too....please don’t talk me out of this.”, his shoulders are trembling and his fists clench tightly.

Everything stills as the words fall into Castiel’s understanding like puzzle pieces clicking on the solving board.

“Y-you’re g-gonna b-br....break...up with m-me aren’t you?”, Castiel chokes out in deep fear and tears are already streaming down his face.  

A lone tear runs runs down Dean’s cheek and he shuts his eyes and clenches his jaw.

That’s all the confirmation Castiel really needed. Dean doesn’t have to tell him in words for him to know it. He had this sinking feeling pooling in his gut when Dean had started shutting him out. It wasn’t a question of ‘if’ it was just a matter of time before Dean realised he deserved better and he broke up.

But that didn’t stop him from falling in love with him and believing a happily ever after with Dean.

He forces a wan smile through his tears and breaking heart and chokes out,” I-I should’ve known....I...”

Dean looks up at him but this time Castiel is the one who faces away and continues feeling his heart come to his throat,”I...I hope you are happy with t-them a-and I-I won’t hold you back and I wouldn’t....”

He stops speaking and closes his eyes shut tightly and looks down as his lips tremble, as he’s slowly losing it. His worst nightmare becoming reality slowly sinks in.

 He feels warmth radiating off someone and the very familiar scent of leather and oil hits him and he digs his feet harder into the ground to prevent himself from shooting forward into the solid chest and be engulfed by the strong arms that were his home.

“There’s no one else. This is... me letting you go.”, Dean’s voice vibrates on the top of his head.

Castiel freezes and looks up, his teary pools meet Dean’s pained forest eyes, he whispers, ”What?”

“I am setting you free-“

“Dean Winchester I love you and if you loved me too..then stay.”, he says in a low but determined voice.

“I love you Cas, that’s why I’m letting you go. There are things that are needed to be done by me and I’m...toxic. I’ve...I’ve been in dark times.”

“Then stay Dean please...stay for me, You don’t have to go through this alone I’d always support—“

“I know you will and that’s why I’m freeing you. You deserve so much better than me.”

“No....Dean please don’t do this..I need only you. If you..g-go away I don’t think I’ll survive this...”, he breaks down at last but two strong hands grip his shoulder and he is staring directly into Dean’s panicked green eyes laced with pain.

“Damnit Cas! I’m not the right one for you why can’t you see that? You can and you will survive this. You promised!”, Dean shouts still gripping his shoulders tight.

**< <END OF FLASHBACK>>**

He feels numb but at the same its the calm before the storm. He can’t go on, it simply hurts too much to remember. He stands up, head still bowed down as he ignores Jo’s sympathetic gaze and says in a surprisingly calm voice,”I have to go.”

 “Cas wait I...”, he ignores Jo's shouts and sprints off to the front of the classroom. He yanks open the door and runs like a madman pushing through the students.

It’s when he reaches the pavement across the park gates -a safe distance away from school- that he slows down and leans against a lamp post. He catches his breath with tears stinging the corner of his eyes.

He looks towards the park gates where he sees a couple holding hands and his head feels heavy when the memory of Dean and him holding hands hits him. He furiously wipes his tears and makes a dash towards the direction of his house.

It’s when he’s unlocking the front door that he realises Dean never promised him that he wouldn’t hurt himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peeks from under the bush* OKAY IM ALIVE. And I'm really reaaaally sorry for leaving you guys hanging with that massive ass cliffhanger. It's just...this break up scene was the hardest to write coz it happened irl and the memories that came with it still haunt me. These past couple of days were really very tough , and I think I just lost 3 of the greatest friends ever coz I kept pushing them away coz of my bad shape rn.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyhoo enough of my angst. THANK YOU FOR READING AND WHOEVER STILL STUCK THROUGH!! Much love <3 I'll update soon promise! And we'll see more on Cass' reaction on telling Jo and how Dean is really doing in the next chapter.


	7. Hurt

Sobs wreck his body as the cold water from the shower hits his clammy skin. The hot tears mingle with the shower water and his cheeks feel sticky. He bows his head, letting the water dip from his hair and he idly watches the water swirl on the white floor tiles.

He didn’t deserve this. There was an emptiness inside him where there was once a feeling of being loved. He missed Dean and most of all he missed being his friend. Recalling the day they broke up isn’t easy even after it’s been months. He still feels the sharp stab in his heart whenever he remembers Dean’s words.

_We can’t work anymore._

He grips his hair and yanks at them and a broken cry escapes his lips.

He is always the one that gets thrown away, the one who ends up hurt. Dean was his rock, his light his life. As cheesy as that sounds, he lived a perfect rom com life for the three months in which they were in a relationship. He missed waking up to his texts.

But now? He was the last person on Dean’s list to call, text, hell even to look at.

‘You’re so worthless. He’s probably tired of you he’s very better off without your pathetic ass to hold him back’ a voice whispered in his head.

He curls his lips as his body trembles and he punches a tile. Ignoring the sting in his knuckles he does it again and again until his knuckles feel sensitive and are red.

He starts crying freely and his knees go weak, he allows himself to fall on the floor and curls up and cries out his despair, longing, hurt and one-sided love.

He brings his knees up to his chest and hugs them to his chest and cries wishing for the darkness  to consume him.

 

 

“Son of a bitch!” , Dean grunts as he hurls the wrench without looking, across the garage. He lets out a frustrated yell and slams his fist on the Impala’s hood.

Sam flinches back as the wrench flies mere inches from his face. He looks at Dean slumped over the Impala’s hood, his posture radiated anger.

He sort of knew the source but he knew better than to ask knowing Dean would only lash out and he would give him the silent treatment.

“You have the flu, you shouldn’t be in the garage throwing things.”, he teased but worry laced his tone that made Dean snap his head up and look at him.

“I was just giving her a tune up Sammy, but the damned thing’s jammed and I can’t give her an oil change.”, he said looking down and scowling at the engine.

Sam leaned against the doorway and looked at him worried, he never ever curses the Impala.

"Dean are okay?”

“I’m fine Sammy.”, Dean said through gritted teeth not looking at him.

Sam wasn’t having any of it, “Yeah and throwing things and being aggressive with the Impala is your definition of fine ?”, his expression softens at Dean’s guilty expression, “I’m your brother Dean, I am supposed to take care of you too.”, he says flashing Dean his puppy eyes.

Dean sighs defeated and closes the Impala’s hood and a coughing fit wrecks his body. He walks towards Sam and ruffles his hair, “Whatever bitch.”

Sam scowls and jokes, “Don’t throw wrenches at me jerk.” But there’s concern in his eyes that makes Dean break the stare and walk out of the garage.

Sam sighs and picks up the wrench. He opens the Impala’s door and picks up the toolbox from below the seat and puts the wrench in it. But a cassette tape and a turned over picture catches his eyes. Curious, he turns the picture to see that it’s Castiel and Dean looking at each other adoringly and Dean held Castiel tightly to his chest and there was a rare gentle and genuine smile on his face as he looked down at his boyfriend.

It was from their first date at the beach. Knowing Dean, he probably had hid this in the toolbox to keep away from prying eyes. He picks up the tape and realises it’s the same mixtape in which Dean and Castiel had put in their songs to listen on their long drives.

He stands there bent over the Impala’s seat and stares at his brother’s retreating back, and wonders for the umpteenth time as to when, Dean would allow the best thing to ever happen to him, to come back in his life.

His big brother could be a big idiot sometimes.

 

Despite the long shower, Castiel feels drained emotionally and physically. But he has to do this. Because if he doesn’t write his feelings down, he’s afraid he might explode and combust.

He dresses himself in lose t-shirt and boxers and throws himself on the bed. He picks out his diary and a pen from his backpack and starts writing aggressively

_Dear Dean,_

_Why did I let you walk away so easily that day? When I saw you turn back and not even look back once when I crumbled and fell down crying. I’m so sorry if I sound selfish and an attention whore, because I know how hard it was for you too. You couldn’t look back at me because you knew you couldn’t handle seeing me break down and crumble my walls in front of you._

_I wanted to scream and run and wrap my arms around you and pull you back, because I couldn’t bare the thought of you going away. You were my rock, my light and my only source of happiness. Losing you was like…._

His eyes sting from unshed tears but something was broken in him tonight. And we desperate to mend it.

_…as if I had lost an irreplaceable part of me. It was like my soul was ripped and a large part of it went with you. All the light had gone away from my life and it’s immersed in nothing but darkness and memories of what happiness was like and dreams that taunt me about what I could have had with you._

_It’s like all over again when I was in love albeit unrequited in nature with Michael for four years. You stood by my side, and you always wiped my tears whenever he broke me. But what a fool I was to not realise that you were in love with me. I’m so sorry for causing you the pain and now I’m watching you slowly burn away from my life._

_I’m….I’m falling Dean….I’m falling in love with you every day and I’m falling in depression. I can’t take this anymore._

_Yours always and forever,_

_Castiel_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *wordlessly hands you tissues and chocolates* Things get worse before they get better cookies. ALSO I GOT MY NEW LAPTOP TODAY WEEEEEGH. Thank you for all the support! Your comments raise me from perdition <3


	8. New

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAST PART OF THIS CHAPTER UPLOADED. Okay so last evening when I uploaded this chapter, Ao3 somehow deleted half of it *cries* , so yup I uploaded it now and it's fixed :)

The sky is grey and dull with rain clouds. Castiel sighs and kicks a stone as he walks , and watches as the stone  hits a tree and bounces off. He looks up into the gloomy sky and wonders as to why everything that is happening to him hurts him so much.

Sometimes he could take the pain, but other times the pain takes over him. A gush of cold wind blows over and he pulls his trenchcoat closer to his body.

Wherever he went, the memories of Dean and their time together haunted him. He could have sworn he keeps seeing Dean standing at their meeting place at the park looking at him with a smile. But of course, it’s just a mirage. His mind is playing is tricks on him. Dean hasn’t even texted him in days, talked to him or even so much as even looked at him in school. Heck, he can’t even remember the last time he saw him relaxed whenever he was around him or texted him.

 His hands instinctively go this pocket to check for his phone, before he notes with mild annoyance that he has purposely left his phone back home. On the hindsight, it was a good thing, because that meant no disruptions from his parents or Charlie or Jo or him, constantly having phone ridden anxiety, to re-read his and Dean’s message threads or check for messages that will never come.

He closes his eyes and breathes in the scent of grasses and wild flowers and some of his sadness washes away. It was his secret place to come, honestly.

He opens his eyes and continues to walk aimlessly staring at the birds and squirrels. His eyes continue to track a squirrel’s movements and for the first time in a week a little smile graces his lips and he feels a little better.

“Blue eyes, haven’t really seen ya round here.”, a female voice calls from behind him.

Confused, he turns around to see a dark-haired teenage girl with loose brown curls, brown eyes  dipped in black liquid eyeliner and a heart shaped face.

She was smirking devilishly at him, so he returns a smile and sasses her that even confuses him, “I could say the same, besides what brings you to my private hideout?’’

She grins at him and walks closer, “ You aren’t opposed to a little sharing, are you?’’

He gives her a smile, “ Sharing is caring…besides I could…uh use a friend.”

She stops a feet away from him, “ Just friends huh?’’, she winks at him causing his cheeks to go red and then she laughs and extends her hand, ‘’Name’s Meg.”

He shakes it and is surprised when she shakes his hand in a firm and tight shake, “I’m Castiel…but friends call me Cass.’’

She lets his hand go and flashes him a flirty smile, ‘’I’ll call you Clarance coz you really look like an angel.’’

A pang of longing hits his heart at ‘angel ’ but he pushes it down and smiles, ‘’So what brings you here?”

She takes a drag from her cigarette that Castiel just notices was there and grins at him, “ You know the usual..”, she releases a puff of smoke, ‘’..life and love. What about you?’’

A bitter laugh escapes his throat, something about Meg makes him feel at ease, “ It’s all the same for me. Fall in love, get your heart broken, repeat.’’

Meg exhales another puff of smoke, “You do have anguish written all over you.’’

Castiel laughs, “Am I really that easy to read?’’

Meg grins, “Nope Clarance, it’s just that your eyes pretty much convey what your face doesn’t. So it’s kinda easy to know if one knows you well.’’

_Then why can’t Dean see the pain?_

Castiel shakes off the thought and raises an eyebrow, ‘’But we’ve just met.’’

“And yet there’s something about you that makes me all tingly.’’, She flashes him a feral grin and throws her cigarette and crushes it under her boot heel.

“Catch ya later Clarence.’’, she says with a flirty smile and walks past him.

“Bye Meg!’’, he yells watching her retreating back until she disappears deep into the forest.

Meg was right. There’s something that’s pulling them close. They’re both broken in the same way and there’s more to Meg’s story than meets the eye.

He bites his lip with a small smile. The feeling in his chest isn’t love or romantic attraction.

For the first time, he feels pure lust. Lust to satiate the burning ache in his soul left by Dean’s departure.

 

He curses and keeps his test answer on the desk so that the big F marked in red ink is facing away from everyone.

To be honest he’s failed physics in a hattrick this year and instead of being depressed about it, he’s tempted to laugh and flip off the teacher.

It was one of the mock tests his physics teacher loved to take. Even satan would care more than her.

The bell finally rings and Castiel shoves his things in his backpack and grabs his test. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Michael stare a hole into him as he walks past his desk. He resists the urge to flip him off or roll his eyes.

He keeps the test on his teacher’s desk, along with other students but to his surprise she grabs his paper , and looks at him through her spectacles.

Her face is so passive and distaste is clearly written across her features that makes Castiel want to laugh.

“Castiel you failed this time too.”

 _No shit Sherlock_ , he thought but nodded.

“Kid you need to work hard. And if you want I could assign you….”, her gaze wanders past him and Castiel mentally curses knowing what will happen next.

“…a tutor. You can go and talk to-“

Oh no not happening, NOT Michael. Castiel gives her a bright fake smile, “Oh no, you don’t have to do that. I promise I’ll work hard.”, he brings his best fake guilt stricken look hoping it will work.

She nods in a dramatic consideration, “Well then I hope you do.’’, and with that she throws his test into a pile of other tests without a care and continues to write something in her school diary.

He lets out a relieved sigh and practically runs out of the classroom.

He so doesn’t need any more Michael related drama. Besides Dean always did label physics as phySUCKS.

 

“She was so into you Cas! Damn you little twerp.’’. Charlie squealed and punched his arm.

Castiel laughed and pulled his legs up to his chest and leaned his back against the tree. “But Char, I have absolutely no interest in her. Talking to her is fun…but she’s kinda like Dean but more on the reckless side, I guess. ”

 His phone chimes with a bird chirp tune and Charlie casts him a funny look as he picks his phone up.

“It’s a text from Jo.”, he replies with a frown and unlocks his phone. Charlie crawls over him and peers over his shoulder

_**Jo** : I’m so sorry for pushing you to talk Cass. You should join us for lunch_

Charlie raises an eyebrow at Castiel who shurgs and writes up a reply

Cas : It’s all good Jo :) I’m sorry for running away too. But I can’t join today coz Char and me have our assignment to work on :/

He hits send and Charlie screams incredulously, “Assignment?! Did you just lie to—”

He grins at her and digs around his backpack and pulls out their English class textbook, “We do have our English project to work on. Which is why we’re here right now.’’

Charlie groans dramatically and falls on the grass, “Why are you so studious?’’

Castiel chuckles, “Only when English lit class is concerned. Besides…. Dean needs space and time away from me, and I can’t lie to him so….”

“You’re sacrificing your bestie’s needs for it. Gotcha.’’, Charlie grumbles and her eyes widen as she sees something behind him.

“And this lunch break just got better.”, she says darkly.

He knew that tone of her voice and the probable reason behind it too, so he turns around to see Michael and Raphael chatting idly as they neared the pair.

There was a funny twinkle in Michael’s eyes suggesting that, the boy had seen him. There was a dark age where that twinkle gave him butterflies. Now, the mere sight of Michael and his goons makes him want to puke.

“What the hell is he doing here? Isn’t he normally at the cafeteria with his sidekicks?’’, he hisses.

“Well I guess he changed his mind and decided to come to our spot.’’, she grumbles darkly and gets up. “C’mon we better go somewhere else—”

“No. We’re staying here. I’m not running away from him.”, Castiel says stubbornly.

Charlie opens her mouth to protest but then squints her eyes and looks around. Castiel too gets up and looks around.

“Where is he?’’

“He was there and then now….did he just poof out?’’

“I swear Cas you were crushing on a ghost all these years!”

“ Not the point Charlie! ”

“He is a ghost! He kept disappearing like this but was there when we didn’t expect him to be.”

“ Charlie I think you’re right—fuck there. Up there.”, Castiel hissed and Charlie turned her gaze in his line of sight.

There on their school building’s huge terrace stood Michael and Raphael. The former had his eyes trained on Castiel with an amused expression. His eyes had a unknown look as he traced Castiel’s every movement.

“Dude’s getting bolder every day.’’, Charlie said as she steps besides him.

“It’s annoying. I’ve only ever wanted Dean. I don’t want him now.”, Castiel huffs.

They both start walking and Castiel looks up to see Michael still staring at him while Raphael looked so done and annoyed besides him.

He removes his eyes from the intense stare off and then his eyes fall directly into Dean’s green eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *dodges watermelons* I'm so sorry for the last chapter and this cliffhanger.....well not really XD  
> Also lovelies, feel free to point out any typos, if the plot is less, there are plot holes or if a chapter is too short or anything you'd like me to improve. I love each and every one of you reading this.
> 
> Kudos and comments make my day xoxo


	9. Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter dedicated to Nola+Belle <3
> 
>  **warning :** short panic attack scene.

The world froze as Castiel stared into Dean’s eyes, as he almost forgot about Michael. Almost being the keyword.

Dean opens his mouth as if to say something but he decides against it, and his eyes snap over to Michael. The cloudy expression on his face dissolves into a hard look and his green eyes go stormy. Michael looks taken aback but he glares back and there’s an amused quirk to his lips.

And Castiel is caught right in the middle of this trainwreck.

He could practically feel the fire radiating from where their gazes were battling for dominance.

Over him.

He did not know where to be happy that the love of his life was standing up for him against his ex crush.

Or burn under the fire that was obviously about to spread and mental blows being exchanged between his friggin ex boyfriend and ex crush.

Fuck.

He stood frozen even as Dean’s upper lip twitches – a subtle sign he’s on the edge, and Michael’s face coated with annoyance – another sign he was angry.  Besides him, Raphael was huffing in annoyance. Castiel almost felt sorry for him.

Charlie clears her throat and he looks pleadingly at his best friend whose expression was a mix between a laughter and grimace.

She plasters on a wide fake smile and saunters to Dean, “Hiya Deano”, she chirps in a high pitched voice.

Dean finally breaks off the stare and looks at her, and a small smile is on his face, “Hey Charlie.’’, his eyes then snap to Castiel and the blue eyed teen forgets to breathe at how familiar the gaze feels. He longs to drown in Dean’s forest pools.

“You should come with us to lunch.”, he says quietly not breaking his eye contact.

Castiel smiles, “Yeah I’d love to.’’. he says and easily moves towards Dean.

With Dean it’s easy and it’s comfortable. It’s like being fluid and himself and free. With Michael, it felt like he had to constantly watch his own every move. He was a robot.

Dean wasn’t Michael he reminded himself.

He's totally mesmerised by his mere presence and his stomach does those warm flips when Dean slings an arm around his shoulder and pulls him closer. The sun making a halo around his head and his smile looks radiant with the sunshine. His sunshine, that made him feel warm and happy, the very sun his life orbited around. Was near him. Holding him. This felt like a fairy tale, and dare he hoped that there will be a happy ending.

He ducks his head, the dark bangs shadowing his eyes and his small smile at that gesture. Dean drops his arm as soon as they get out of Michael's sight and into the lunch hall. He misses the warmth and internally whines and looks at Dean, who avoids his eyes and cheerfully waves at some people.

He hears Charlie draw a breath behind him and looks up to see their mutual friends sitting at the cafeteria table....all of them. Which was unusual since they all hung around the burger joint few blocks from the school.

 

 Huh, today can't get more unusual. 

 His smile becomes forced and he awkwardly waves at them, or more like at Pam who greets him with a smile. Ash is busy typing away on his phone, Garth  is asleep on his homework, and Jo is staring at him with wary, apologetic eyes. He gives her a small smile that she returns gratefully, silently communicating that what all happened was water under the bridge. He goes and sits next to Jo, and tries not to visibly deflate when Dean sits near Pam and not next to him like always. 

 He mentally adds that to the list of things changed. Charlie plops down next to him and immediately snatches Ash's phone and starts fiddling with it, and the two of them start bickering over boolean numbers and embeded codes, most of which flies over his head. 

 He feels a pang of hurt, when Dean freely smiles and laughs alongside Pam, and a stab of jealousy at being the one whose at the receiving end of the blonde's cold shoulder. Something he thought would never happen.

 But then again he had never imagined dating Dean or falling for him romantically.

 A finger pokes his arm and he snaps his head to see Jo eating a fry. He steals one from her plate and plops it in his mouth despite his stomach churning at the thought of food.

 Keeping up pretenses is a hard thing in real world, where you're surrounded by people who might get a good read on you.

 Mouthful of fries, Jo casually says, "So, I thought you guys were working on an assignment?"

 He sighs and subtly turns his head in the direction where Dean and Pam are seated. " I'll tell you later."

 Charlie catches his eye while still arguing with Ash and he holds her stare. His phone buzzes and he looks down.

  **Charlie:** _You don't have to tell her._  

  **Cass:** _I know.  
_

He doesn't knows if she meant about the Michael incident or the complete drama with their break up. Probably both.

 

 

 Few days later, his alarm screams out loudly at 6 a.m. and he blindly raises a hand to silence it up.

 "Fuck you clock,", he hisses when he's forced to leave the warmth of the covers to shut the thing up. He immediately dives back, feeling loose limbed and so so so tired. A heavy feeling almost like homesickness clouds his mind and he feels sadness pierce his heart. Tears start to fall from his eyes and he shuts them down. His arms shake and panic overwhelms the sadness in him and suddenly he feels too much. 

 Too hyperaware so that, even the footfall of his mother's slippers that are getting closer stings his ears. His skin feels hypersensitive as the previously warmth providing covers threaten to choke his breath. 

 And his breathing becomes labored. His mom knocks loudly on the door causing him to flinch and burrow into the covers despite feeling trapped in them.

 "Castiel honey, wake up. It's time  for school.", he flinches and feels more lightheaded at the sudden intrusion.

 "Castiel!", two more knocks. He draws in a labored breath and says over his loudly thumping heart, "I'm up... be down."

 "Okay honey.", she says and her retreating footsteps albeit soft threaten to make his ears bleed. He lets out a shaky breath and slumps into the bed, shaking and all and closes his eyes. 

 After a few seconds that feel like long hours, he drags himself off the bed and stumbles over to the window and opens it with jerky, uncoordinated movements,  to feel the gush of cold wind on his face. Emotions threaten to bubble in him and he lets a sob escape his lips. Tears freely fall as deep sorrow swallows him and he cries silently. and exhausts himself nearly to falling asleep again. He feels boneless and a headache is faintly pounding his head.

 Brushing his teeth, using the toilet, taking a shower and getting dressed all pass in a   blur ; even with his sluggish movements. He gets downstairs with his school books, to see his mother packing up his lunch and the two pieces of toasts spread out on the table for him. The smell of food is enticing, and he's a bit hungry but the thought of food makes his throat burn. 

 "I can't eat that, mom.", he tells his mother and goes on to stuff the books he brought in his bag. 

 He can practically hear her frown, " But why? You always have them before school and you didn't eat much last night."

 He sighs and turns with a weak smile and lies," Charlie is bringing some bagels today and I promised to have breakfast with her."

 His mom smiles and hands him his lunch, "Okay, make sure to eat before school starts."

 He nods and stuffs it in his backpack, relishing the heat it gave," Sure mom. I have to go early today so we can meet up." Another lie. He turns his back on her to hide his quivering lips and the sudden pang of hopelessness stirring in him.

 "Have a good day, honey.", she says as he is practically running towards the front door. Towards his freedom.

 "You too.", it comes off shaky and he hopes she chalks it up to him rushing out.

 She does.

 

 Charlie does not show up that day. Her absence is painfully clear by the time he's in his second class. His phySUCKS teacher continues to drone off about some gibberish, he stopped paying attention to since he took this class. Or more like, was forced to for extra friggin' credits. He whips out his phone under the desk, and texts her.

 After three attempts of getting the words right because his wrist wouldn't stop shaking due to some stupid reason, he finally sends her the texts and waits for her reply. Bored, he looks around the class, and dramatically snaps his gaze towards the whiteboard, when Michael catches his gaze. He feels his cheeks burn from the weight of that undecipherable gaze, and he feels a bit self conscious.

He sighs and looks out of the window to see the atheletes and sports participants being loaded into a bus, presumably for game practices since their school doesn't have a large field to practice on.

Which meant that Dean wouldn't be here in school today.

He blows a breath and doodles absently on his notebook and thinks if it's a good or a bad bad thing if the blonde isn't here.

Probably both. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloo ducklings! Massive apologies for spacing out on y'all for more than an year. A lot lf stuff had come up and tbh my life direction is kind of in the opposite direction compared to this fic, which i had used to vent about my own personal issues. But don't worry i won't leave it hanging sooo expect new updates and hugs and kisses to everyone who stuck till here and might read this in the coming future. 
> 
> Peace out bitches!


	10. Shattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning:** Implied eating disorders.

The rain drops pelt harshly against the window glass. Most of them glide down the glass, while the others seem to freeze in their position.

Castiel gingerly touches the cool, foggy glass pane with his fingers, and watches the blurry figures of buildings and raining skies with sunken, distant eyes. His hand absently continues to lazily trace patterns over the foggy glass. He desperately wanted to open the window and let the rain in and feel it on his skin, smell the wet leaves of the tree outside his window. He could now and he would, if it wasn't for the simple fact that rain can make you sick, and your parents shouldn't see you letting in rain when you're pretending to have flu.

The bedroom door opens and light hits his face as his parents step through. He turns to his side partly to shield his face from the light and partly to shield the tear tracks down his face. His mom lays a cool hand on his warm arm, " Do you feel hungry? You didn't eat properly last night and skipped breakfast." It helped that he tends to run warmer than most people so it's easy to fake a small fever.

" Not hungry.", he mumbles into his pillow pointedly avoiding looking at the worried expression of his parents.

His runs his hand through his hair, " How are you feeling right now?"

" I don't feel so good." ( Hõla Marvel Fans)  _Mentally, emotionally._

His mom kisses his  hair and he shuts his eyes as tears threaten to downpour at the smallest affection he so desperately wants but at the same time couldn't bring himself to ask for more.    
" Give me a call if you're hungry sweetheart.", with that she goes and his dad ruffles his hair and follows her out, shutting the door with a click. He lets out a quiet sob and curls in on himself, feeling cold in the warm room under warm covers. The hairs on his arm bristle as if cold and his skin prickles, he actually feels feverish even though he's sure the only physical illness he has as of now, is a fake flu. Funny how shit turns real, when times are crappy.

He wipes away his tears and sits up on the bed. He unlocks his bedside table drawer, and pulls out his diary. With shaking fingers, he pulls out a pen and a blank page which only seems to mock him. Tears seep down hotly against his cheeks and the burn makes him quiver. He starts writing in loopy, shaky letters

 

_Dear Dean,_

_I don't know what's happening anymore. Things are so scary, so out of my control, that I always keep screwing up. I don't know what's wrong with my life. Well... technically it's_ _me who is just a big burden to everyone, and I can't seem to do anything right. I faked a flu today, so I could skip breakfast. Dean I lied to my parents, and when they get so concerned, and worked up over their good for nothing and waste of space son, it hurts me._

_Funny thing is, I loved food. I loved eating. But now every time my mom or anyone offers me food, I get this sick feeling in my stomach and I just don't wanna eat._

_I long to feel something. Anything besides this numbness and the massive blank hole in my chest and the crazy feeling of itching to do something that drives me up the wall. Sometimes, when I do feel things, they're too much and I can't.... I can't even breathe. It's like my insides are bleeding, my heart is being stabbed by pins and needles, and my soul feels empty and there's nothing my darkness. I'm getting toxic. For the people around me, and for my own welfare.  I don't want any of it to touch you, you're a bright ray of hope and everything good and pure. I'd never let it taint you, even.... if it's me._

_So I'll try my best to be away from you, even if it kills me, which it will. WHy are you making me live, Dean? Why aren't you letting me escape this pain, and unwanted depression? WHY are you making me feel like I'm unwanted and I was nothing to you?? Was everything you ever did to me while we dated was a ruse?? Out of pity for the ugly, unwanted suicidal, kid? TELL ME WHY??_

Tear drops fall on the fresh ink, smearing the letters and dampening the page, making it transparent and blotchy, Frustrated he lets out a soft wail and hurls his pen across his desk, and the notebook under his bed. He falls bonelessly on his pillow and pulls the blanket up higher and shuts his eyes tightly. Sleep claims him in an illusion of peace.

 

* * *

 

Dean taps his foot against the asphalt as he lights up a cigarette and takes deep inhale, relishing the burn of smoke against his throat and he lets out a puff of smoke. He looks down at the grainy asphalt and drags the cigarette to his lips and inhales. The voices in his head dim down for a while and he hunches from where he is sitting on the pavement. His wrist stiffens and pain shoots through the base of his right hand's thumb till forearm, and the fingers holding the burning cigarette tremble and he wills his hand to move, " Fuck, come on." 

His brings his trembling hand close to his mouth but then the half lit cigarette slips through his fingers and falls on the asphalt. Green eyes glare at the red glow on the grey stones and he stomps and rubs it with his boot, putting it off, He glares at it still feeling miserable with his hand still halfway frozen bent at the elbow resting on his jean clad knee.  

_'You're so pathetic, useless and waste of space. Can't do anything right, just a useless fucking-'_

He closes his eyes trying to focus on the sharp bouts of pain in his veins on his right hand and his frozen, trembling fingers rather than the voice in his head that won't shut up. 

"Shut up.", he weakly whispers and a drop of water falls on his head, then a steady downpour descends on him, soaking him and mixing with his tears as they drip down on the pavement. He lifts up his head and looks across the street and time stops for him when he sees the boy he still loved and who still froze his heart even when snow or rain couldn't. 

Castiel stood across him in the shop talking with his family and smiling at them behind the glass window of the shop, probably waiting for the rain to stop. But for Dean, this is pure heaven, the longing in his heart soaks his insides where the rain couldn't touch. He looks happy, albeit there are black circles around his eyes. he hasn't been sleeping. A note of sadness and guilt hits him, because he knows he's the reason. He knows that Castiel is still in love with him, as much as he is in love with the blue eyed boy. For a moment, he wants to go inside and embrace him, and just hold him and apologise for all the hurt he caused, for making him feel unwanted and all the things he swore he wouldn't do to him. But he did anyway, because he is toxic. Unlovable. He was gonna drag Castiel through his own personalized hell, where hungry demons would grab the angel. He couldn't let that happen so he did it, he broke his own heart and the heart of the boy he loved more than anything, to save him from the voices in his head and his toxic habits. And that don't count the alcohol and cigarette. 

So now, nearly six months later here they are, one inside the cafe pretending to smile through the pain oblivious to the cure and cause just few feet in front of him, and the other one watching his  love and his cure with a hand halfway ironically frozen and involuntarily reaching out towards him, through the haze of rain. 

Dean snaps out his trance and decides that he needs to go lest Castiel sees him, because he knew if he locked eyes with the brunette, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from rushing in and kissing him and holding him, homophobic parents and the world be damned. He's too raw.

With a deep, long look at him, he stands up and pulls the hood of his leather jacket up with his left hand and rounds the corner and passes the coffee shop and heads aimlessly far away. Eyes firmly fixed on the water pooling over the asphalt.

 

* * *

Castiel regrets coming. He regrets a lot of things and one of them is coming into the coffee shop with his parents and meeting his aunt and uncle who visited town. He just wishes he laid there feigning sick for longer. He turns away from the conversation when they start discussing about renovating the new house they brought. Plumbing is rusted blah blah, carpet needs blah blah. It's all noise for him, a noise he wishes to escape. He resists the urge to sigh and roll his eyes and instead turns to face the foggy window with sliding droplets of rain. He rubs out the fog with his hand and nearly leaps through the glass when he sees a figure with dirty blonde hair pull up a hood -leather jacket hood- that only Dean wears. The figure bypasses the coffee shop and goes far off, that he tries to trace and he aggressively wants to rush out of the coffee shop and rush after that boy and see his face. See if he's Dean. 

He sticks his face to the glass and watches until he can't see the boy anymore. It couldn't have been Dean. There are so many boys who wear leather jacket hoods, bicker boots and it's not just Dean. But it felt like it.

He closes his eyes, cool cheek resting against the foggy window and curves his lips into a sardonic smile. He's so fucking pathetic that he'd take any shred of false hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update fellas. Life and depression got in the way along with writer's block. When I had started this story, I was in a different headspace, now the depression is there but the circumstances are different. I _will_ complete this fic....just at a slower rate bc it's hard to get back into the headspace for it, when I have overcome it. Thank you for understanding and to those who are still reading!
> 
> Have a lovely week fellas! <3


	11. Standing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: **Warning: references to suicidal thoughts, and a dub-con situation that Cass is writing briefly about.**

**August 26 th   2018**

 

_Dear Diary,_

_It's been over an year since I last wrote, and funny enough things did change a lot with time. So much has happened but not enough words to describe 'em, so I will try my best. I couldn't stop spiraling down and down. Nothing made sense anymore then. No matter how hard I tried, happiness seemed to slip through my grasp and I had forgotten what it felt like. To have hope. And a future. The only ever present companions (besides Charlie) I had were longing, depression, and loneliness. There was Meg too for a while. I could feel myself growing closer to her, during our impromptu and odd meetings in the woods. But then she too slipped away. Maybe she moved out. There was only one thing, one person that I wanted and needed which was Dean. But he seemed way out of my grasp back then._

_We used to be best friends, and back then he wouldn't even look at me. I used to wonder why. Disturbed days bled into sleepless nights, and months flew by. I drowned deeper into depression and thoughts of suicide, to the point where I was a mechanical robot by the time I was in college. Dean went into another, and I tried to keep in touch, but you exactly can't talk to single grey tick marks, now can you?_

( **Warning: dub-con situation)**

_In the pit of self-wallowing, confusion, college stress and hurt came April Kelly. She was all lust and confusion and uncertainty. With her smirking red painted lips, and cunning smiles, I knew it was a mistake and I didn't want it but I  didn't stop her hand from sneakily touching my thighs in classes, or her hand slipping into my back pocket in full public view. Even though it didn't feel right and my skin crawled with disgust, and even the accidental touches by strangers and friends made me flinch. I felt the heat of her hand curling on my thigh, her fingers deftly unzipping my jeans and sliding in my pants to rest on my underwear clad sex, just minutes before I was due in The Dean's office. I remember feeling disgusted and wanting to wash her touches off, even when my own body betrayed me._

_With her, I found out being pushed against the wall was a good recipe to trigger a panic attack in me, Glad that she couldn't steal my first kiss - since Dean - from me._

_' I'll make you forget him, until all you could remember is my touches.'_ **(end of dub con)**

_Bitch, you could never. I was always his._

_Then I ran. She bombarded my phone, stalked me, touched me sneakily but briefly and I didn't care._

_It took an embarrassingly long time, but I learnt I was my own. And I was a person. Anyone who is a person deserves respect and to be treated with dignity, and have their voices listened to._

_And when I say no, it means no._

_I wish there was a way to get her to change her branch though. (A/N: In my country, we call majors as branches like Engineering, medical, etc)_

_Funny thing was, the self-discovery was tough. It was near impossible to wake up and attend classes, I didn't have energy to make small talks to people, or to just live. It was harsh losing Dean and going through day to day events, knowing that just a few months back we did it together. That there was someone who made me know that happiness and light felt like, and he took a part of my heart, mind, and soul with him._

_It wasn't until after I somehow passed my first year without failing any subjects, that a chance to confront Dean Winchester showed up. And let's just say, there were a lot of stuff we needed to work out, and god so much to talk about. The raw emotions in his eyes told me a lot of things, I knew he never told me. And I feel certain that the emotions in my eyes too told him, what he needed to know. We both had caused the other pain. In his kisses, protective arms, I had rediscovered my home. And I kept a watchful eye over his needs and wants while not self-blaming myself too much._

_Fate is a myth, but destiny is what you choose and do. Funny enough, we weren't meant to be together when we needed each other the most. We needed to grow up and still need the other._

_Yours,_

_Castiel James Novak._

Castiel sleepily rubs his eyes, and stretches in his chair. He closes the diary and caps the pen, leaving them both on the study desk. He gets up and sleepily shuts off the lights, and tumbles into the direction of their bedroom.

He enters the dark room light by the streetlights peeking in through the curtain. Lifting off the covers, he gets into bed and two strong arms wrap themselves around his waist and pull him against a warm solid body. A small smile graces his lips, and affection pools in his stomach through the sleepy haze.

"I love you.", he mumbles softly.

"Love you too.", a deep sleep filled voice murmurs back.

Their bedtime ritual.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end folks. I apologise for the rather abrupt ending. It's just I couldn't get into the terrible headspace that i used to be in when this fic was on going. It's why it was a vent fic, and now getting into all those depressive feelings, and suicidal thoughts and plus the heavy rejection is too much rn when I did move past it all slowly with time. And the ending here is vastly different than what happened irl. Y'all see, I had to make it look like Dean was atleast leaning towards Cass to clear the plot towards where they _did_ end up together in the fic , because i promised a happy ending (even if my irl version of happy ending is different) before. Whereas, in irl the person who is Dean here and I had a falling out. And tbh, we just were different people, who wanted different things, and I just.. don't have romantic feelings for them anymore and neither do they now or then. And I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that isn't friendship with them again, and there's someone else rn, and maybe I'm falling for them too. Besides, i now know that the relationship didn't hurt as much as losing a best friend did. But eh, life goes on, you find and meet new people, and the friendship will be irreplacable but there are other places in your heart for other people too. And in the end, the people who are with you _now_ are more important than regrets and should have(s). Plus, love and relationships are part of life, yeah they happen and sometimes they hurt, but every love is different and there's a lot of stuff to consider too. Eh, the ship has sailed far off here, and with my current (relatively more stable  & better) mindset, I couldn't relate to the incidences here enough to form a plot. Guess, I suck at this plot bunnies thing.
> 
> And to the person - you know who you are- if you stumble on this little fic: Hi, have a good week. Thank you for reading.
> 
> Anyhoo guys, thanks for sticking around through this crappy fic with a crappier ending  
> Have a good week y'all and may Castiel smite your problems <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading fellas <3 *sings* Mooooore angst to cooome.


End file.
